Jokes

A few of my
favorite stories.

You drunk? A fellow is driving down the road, swerving from side to side.
A Highway Patrolman pull the car over and asks the driver,
"Have you been drinking?"
"Hell yes!", the driver replied.
"How much have you had to drink?"
"About 24 beers." replied the tipsy driver.
"I m going to give you a breath test." said the trooper.
"What's the matter, don't you believe me?

Yep, I know it. One news eve at the local tavern a party was going on. About 11:30 a patron walked out the door, fell down, got up, stumbled across the street, and tried unsuccessfully to get into about 10 different cars. After about 5 minutes of trying he was able to get the back door on one of the cars open, fell into the back seat and closed the door. About 1:15 the rest of partygoers left the tavern, walk across the street, got into their cars and left. About 10 minutes later the first fellow out crawled out of his back seat, fell down, got up and slide behind the wheel. He didn't move 3 feet and there were two patrol cars behind him blocking his exit.

"We're taking you to the police station and give you a breath test."
After about 10 attempt to get a breath analysis the operator of the machine said, "This machine doesn't register any alcohol at all. The guy is stone sober."

The policeman walked up the to the fellow and said, " Your breath test was negative."
"Yep, I know it." the man replied........."It was my night to be the decoy."

Never seen you before. An older lady was walking through the park one day.
There was a man sitting on a park bench.
She had never seen him before.
"Are you new in Town?"
"I just move back ." the man stated
Where were you living"
"In Prison."
"Why were you in prison?", she inquired.
"I murdered my wife."
"Oh..... so your not married then?"

Do you believe that? A young boy couldn't stay awake in School one morning.
The teacher asked, "What is your problem Johnny?"
"I went fishing with my dad this morning. I caught a
500 pound Bass on a Worm. What do you think about that?"
The teacher said, "Johnny, you have been telling some pretty
big stories lately. I don't believe you, but if we go the Principal's Office
and tell him. I'll bet he'll believe you."
The went to the Principal's Office; the Principal asked, "What's the problem?"
Johnny's teacher said to Johnny, "Tell him what you told me."
"I went fishing with my dad this morning and caught a 500 pound Bass
on a Worm. Do you believe that?"
"Well, this morning," the Principal said, "I was attacked by a 1500 pound
Bear. A Mexican Chihuahua dog attacked the bear and killed him, saving my life.
Do you believe that?"

"Hell yes," Johnny replied, "That was my dog and his killed 3 bears last week."

Boy did I have a dream! Ole said, "Lars, I really had dream last night."
"Oh, so what did you dream, then?" asked Lars.
"I dreamed I was out an a big lake in a new boat fishing and catching one fish right after the other. Was that ever fun"
Lars said, " That was quite a dream, but dreamed I was out
and ran into the two most beautiful women you ever seen. We
were having a big party and ended up in bed."
"You did?" Ole said, "If you had two girls why didn't you call me?"
"Well I did, but your wife said you were out fishing!"

You ain't so damn smart! Ole and Lars were out fishing one very hot summer day. They were trolling back and forth across the lake, when all of a sudden, Ole started yelling, "Stop the the boat, stop the boat Lars, I 've got a big one!"

Lars stopped the boat and Ole reeled in old brown bottle. He pulled into the boat and was wiping it off when all of a sudden, PPPPPPPOOOOOFFFF. A genie appeared.

"I've been in that bottle for 5,000 years, you just let me out. I'm so happy I'm going to give you one wish."

Lars said," It sure is hot to day... Make the whole lake Ice Cold Beer!" poof. the lake was ice cold beer.

"You ain't so damn smart, Lars." Ole yell.
"What'da ya mean Ole? Look at the lake it all beer.
"Yah..." said Ole.... We're gonna havta piss in the boat now!"

Anyone from Ireland? I was sitting in a bar one night talking to one of my favorite bartenders when the a fellow, who had obviously had too much to drink walk in the door.

"Is there anyone from Ireland in here?" he yelled in a thick Irish accent
    A fellow at the opposite end of the bar shouted back in an equally sounding accent, " Yeh, I'm from Ireland!"
"Oh, where are ya from?"
    "I'm from Dublin."
"Are ya now. I'm from Dublin too."
    "Where did you live in Dublin?"
"I lived on McNamara St."
    "That's whar I lived, on MacNamara St."
"Where did ya go to school?"
    "I went to St. Patrick's."
"That's were I went to School."
    "Who was your priest?"
"Father O'Casy"
    "Oh, was a good priest. He was my priest too."
"When were you born?"
    "I was born, on July 13th, 1942."
"That's my birthday too."
I asked the bartender, "What's going on here?"
"Oh", replied the bartender, "Those damn Kelly twins are drunk again!"

Don't like it I walked into a local lounge one night in Deadwood. I sat down next to a fellow at the bar and started talking to him. Trying to be friendly I asked,
"Can I buy you a beer?"
"Nope, I drank a beer one time. I don't like beer. I don't drink it."
We talk a little while longer. I reached into my pocket and remembered I had a cigar a friend of mine had given me on the birth of his son.
"Would you like a cigar?" I inquired.
"Nope." he replied, "I smoked a cigar one time, I didn't like them, I don't smoke cigars."
I notice a deck of cards on the back bar.
"Do you play cards?"
"Nope, I played cards one time. I don't like to play cards, but my son will be here in a little bit, he'll play cards with you."
"Oh." I said, " I suppose he is your only child then?"

What do you think about that? An eighty year old man was talking to his doctor.
The doctor asked, "How old are you?"
"I'm 80 years old." the man replied.
"Are you getting along all right?"
"Well, I married an 18 year old girl about 6 months ago."
"How is that working out?" the doctor asked.
"Well, we're expecting our first child. What do you think about that?" The old man replied.
"Well," stated the doctor, "I have a friend that is an avid hunter. The other day he was going bear hunting. When he walked out the door to go hunting he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle. He got out in the middle of the woods and a huge grizzly bear got up and started chasing him. He stopped, turned around, pointed his umbrella at the bear, squeezed the handle , and the bear fell over dead. What do you think about that?" , the doctor asked.
"Awh, that's impossible, someone else shot it."
"Exactly" replied the doctor.

Where Did You Get That Money? An old lady walked into that Bank with a large shopping bag full of money. The young cashier started counting it out and finally said to the lady.
"My God lady you have about $500,000.00 here. Where did you get it? Did you hoard it?
"What did you say, sonny?" the old lady said cupping her hand to her ear.
"I said, 'Did you hoard this money?" in a louder tone of voice.
"No," the old lady replied, "I only whored half of it. My sister whored the other half!

How Did You Live So Long? A young newspaper reporter was interview a 103 year old lady.
"What do you attribute you long life to?", the reporter asked.
"Well, I don't drink, don't smoke, get eight hours of sleep every night. I've never been sick in my life." the old lady replied.
"You mean in 103 years you've never been bed-ridden?" the astonish journalist asked.
"Oh hell yes." the lady replied, "Thousands of times. Five times in a buggy too, but you won't put that in the paper will you?"

Take off your cloths!

An older resident at a retirement home walk up to an older lady and said to her,
"How old do you think I am?"
"Take off your clothes." the lady demanded
"Take off my clothes. What do you want me to take my clothes off for?"
"You told me to tell you how old you were. Take off you clothes and I can tell you."
The old man took off his clothes and said, "There, now how old do you think I am?"
"You're 96 year old now. You'll be 97 on the 13th of February."
"How did you know that?" the old man inquired
"You told me this morning!"

I have a terrible problem. An older lady went to the doctor one day.
"Doctor I have a very unique problem I believe."
"What is the problem?" the doctor asked
"I took some of my husbands Viagra pills, now
every time I sneeze, well, It's a embarrassing for me to tell you this."
"You go right ahead, I'm a doctor."
"Well," she said, " Every time I sneeze........I.....ah...I....have an orgasm."
"What have you been doing for it?" the doctor asked
"Sniffing Pepper" she replied

Where do I put my clothes? For year a lady had put off going for a physical. Finally after much deliberation she made and appointment and showed up at the designated time. The nurse escorted her to the examination room and told here the doctor would be right with her.
After several minutes the Doctor show up, walk in and shut the door behind him.
"Well, I see you are here for a physical, you will have to disrobe." the doctor told her.
"Disrobe?" the woman asked.
"Yes, if you want a physical you will have to take off your clothes."
"I don't know, I don't even take my clothes off infront of my husband."
"Well," the doctor said, "if it makes you nervous, would it help
if I would turn out the light?"
"Yes, that would help I think." the lady answered
The doctor turned out the light. In a couple of minute the lady asked,
"Where shall I put my clothes?"
"Oh, just toss them over in the corner on top of mine." the doctor replied

So, how are you doing? Two ladies, one Jewish and the other Polish had been friends for many years. Upon the deaths of their husbands they decide that they would move in to a retirement center. After they move to the facility they very rarely saw each other. One day they the ran in to each other and were having a conversation.

" So, "How are you doing?", as the Polish lady of the Jewish lady
"Oh, I am doing so good. I have met such a nice Jewish man, he picks me up in his car, and he takes me shopping, out to eat, dancing and on trips. Then we go home and take off our clothes and get in to bed and we kiss and hug and cuddle and then we sing old Jewish songs." she replied, "And how are you doing?"

The Polish lady said, "I am doing so good. I met a nice polish man. He picks me up in his car and takes me for drive, and shopping, and dancing and out to eat. Then we go home and take our clothes off and get into bed and we kiss and hug and cuddle and then we make love."

"You make love?" she asked, "Why do you make love?"
"Because," the Polish lady replied,
"We don't know any old Jewish songs." :-)

Did you smoke? A man died and ended up in Hell. The Devil stopped him as he came through the Gate.
"I'm sorry, but I have to ask you a few questions before you are allowed to enter." the Devil said.
"Oh. What's the questions?"

"Well When you were alive, did you smoke?"
"Yes, I must have smoked about 4 packs of cigarettes and a couple of cigars everyday."
"You're really gonna like Mondays. I have every kind of cigarette, cigars, pipe tobacco, chewing tobacco, snuff, and snooze there is. On Mondays all we do all day is smoke. "
"Golly, that sound awful good to me." the man replied.

"When you were alive, did you drink?"
"Yes, I drank a six pack of beer and 8 or 10 mixed drinks every day."
"Well, you are really going to like Tuesdays. I have every kind of beer, wine and liquor made.
"On Tuesdays all we do is drink."
"Man, this place is sure not what I expected it to be."

"I have one more question for you." the Devil said.
"When you were alive, where you gay?"
"Oh, Hell no I wasn't gay." the man replied strongly.
"Well," the Devil said, "You're NOT going to like Wednesdays."

Give Me A Beer! A fellow walked into a local tavern.
"Give me a beer." he asked.
The bartender gave him a beer and said, "That'll be 5 cents."
"FIVE CENTS ? How are you gonna make money selling beer for 5 cents?", he asked.
"Well," the bartender said, " I won that big lottery here a while back. I always wanted a bar so I bought this one. I decided that I was going to sell beer for 5 cents."
The customer notice four men sitting at a table without a beer.
"What's there story," he asked, "they don't have a beer."
"Oh them, their Swedes from Minnesota, They're waiting for HAPPY HOUR."

God Bless you

An elderly lady went to the doctor.
"I have a problem, Doc."
" What is it? he asked."
"Everytime I sneeze...I have an orgasm."
"What have you don't about it?"
"Sniffing Pepper!"

You Can?

Two friends were talking about Viagra.
One asks, "Where can you get it?"
"At the Drug Store." replied his friend
The fellow goes to the drug store and asked the druggist.
"Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes" replied the druggist.
"Can you get it over the counter?"
"If I'd take two pills I probably could" responded the druggist.